Today I found myself fully clothed in a hot tub in Upton.

I was venting to Ellie at the train station at 8 at night and James called me and offered for me to go see Coraline in 3D and a guest bedroom to sleep in at his girlfriend Kelleigh's that night.

It was much more tempting than spending the next hour and a half at the station waiting for the train, sitting for an hour on the train, and then another half hour in the car to get to Plymouth after traveling all that way on the bus so I took him up on it.

Coraline was awesome (as it had been when I saw it with Helen two days ago XD) and Corey and another girl came with me, Kelleigh, and James. I chatted with Corey a lot actually, she seems really nice although a bit of a health guru/nut.

We got back to Kelleigh's house around 230 in the morning and watched MTV's best dance crew, drank vodka cranberry drinks, and watched Dr. Horrible's Sing Along Blog. (Which was actually really good once you get halfway through it)

This morning I was kind of bored but then we had a bunch of pizza bites and got in the hot tub she has in her yard. (She has a NICE house)

So it ended up not being a bad day. Although I only got home at 1030 tonight through a series of small mishaps I won't get into that ended in me taking the same train I would have taken last night if not for this misadventure.

Well the start of my life back in Plymouth has not been a good one.
But all of this was expected.

Helen talked to Mum for me my first night over her place to ask if she would pick me up in Boston (on her birthday) after I got off my four hour bus ride.

I expected a fervent no but, to my surprise, she agreed.

I was in a pretty good mood this morning. I ordered in breakfast and took a car to the bus pickup by myself like a big girl. Not as nervous as I was the first time definitely AND I managed to fit all my new clothes from Helen into the two small duffle bags she gave me.
It was a lot to carry if I was going on the train but assuming I had a ride I piled all of it into the car from the service and then onto the bus.

Of course then I called mom and she said she had no idea of the conversation I was referring to and could I ask Dad to pick me up?

….No way is Dad going to pick me up in Boston after he was just up that way for work earlier today. Plus I didn’t tell him about the trip in the first place because he gets all naggy when I go places that aren’t in Plymouth. So I have to take the commuter rail during rush time with all my crap.

It’s also embarrassing to argue with your mother over the phone in a public place, especially when some strange fussy woman in the seat across from you is shushing you like a naughty child talking during a speech. I swear if she even looks in my direction again I am going to give her a tongue lashing, as all I could do while trying to argue with a mother who has probably been drinking all day (since it’s her birthday) and is pissed off that you texted your aunt to complain, requires most of your attention and I was only able to glare at the woman and ignore her while keeping the volume of my voice steady.

I would have gotten louder to spite the bitch but that would have affected everyone on the bus rather than just that one lady so I feel like I’m a big person for that decision.
Anyway, I had a nice time on my trip even if it has ended badly. Technically this is a travel day so it doesn’t even count.

Ironically, this trip to New York is what I asked for from my mother for a graduation gift. My Aunt Helen was actually the one that treated me and I was the one who paid for most of it. And she couldn’t even give me a ride.

It is her birthday though and I should have expected this. We had been getting along surprisingly well lately.

Oh well. Bullshit like this is the reason I’m moving away.

I have an ear infection which really really hurts.

I finally have antibiotics though since I went to the hospital.

My visa paperwork should be here early this week and I emailed the placement guy from Interac and told him I was 'concerned' about not hearing anything although they told me not to contact them til February 20th. Close enough.

I can also be painfully polite when I need to be and especially when I'm worried or irritated talking to people of authority. I hope the guy gets back to me tonight. That'd be awesome.

I just got over yet another wasting disease. Still have a bit of a cough but I'm still going to work tomorrow.

I think its because I stayed over my little cousin's and slept in his bed even though he had 'the sniffles.'

Of course with me everything mutates so... yeah. It sucked. I was nauseous the whole weekend too. And still working on hacking up a lung.

Got my orientation packet for Interac last night which I've been going over. The politeness is usually common sense. They also told us not to play with our chopsticks like babies.

Oh! Good news is that I lost seven pounds my first week on the Weight Loss Challenge thing when I didn't really excersise. Yay! I'm so proud of myself. Thats a LOT for one week.

I've been drinking a bunch since James came back from school. Not because I'm an alcoholic or anything but... maybe because there was nothing better to do?

I had a pretty good Christmas but I think my brain has been melting emotionally since mid December. I hate to say it but I think I actually do need medication.

Its like there's some kind of monster inside me that rears its ugly head every couple of hours. I'm really moodswingy and it bothers me. I was like this when I lived at home during high school too but it feels worse now.

I'm only lashing out at the people I'm closest too and I hate being that way. I need to leave soon before I really start alienating the only people I have left. I feel like its the only solution.

This annoying woman I live with said 'You have to make your own happiness.' I replied that I feel like my soul is sick and in my current situation there is nothing I can do to fix it. I just have to hang on for three more months.

Keep breathing. Keep your head on. Try not to lash out and kill anyone...

Seeing the stuff Ellie and James do makes me want to go back to school for art. XD

Maybe I'll be able to take some drawing classes for fun when I settle in Boston. That's what I'm going to do if I don't get this Interac job. I'll figure out something I can do in Boston.

I am also planning to get a different job whether or not I get the Interac job in Japan to save up. Three days a week is ridiculous and although its nice that I'm getting teaching experience at the preschool, my loans go into repayment next month.

I've been feeling like a failure lately... I really really want this chance to go to Japan and feel like an adult that can DO something with my life. Everyone was right, coming back home has been killing me.

If I ever had been suicidal this would seriously not be a good place to be for me. Mom's solution to my depression is for me to think about how lucky I am that I'm not like Neil and shit like that which doesn't make me happy for what I have, just guilty that I'm not happy.

There's definitely an intense longing to start over. I wish I was in high school again and that I had made different decisions. Which is pretty ridiculous cuz I haven't made many decisions at all.

I have nothing in my life worth living for.

Its a selfish statement. I have healthy family and friends which is all I've ever cared about. Their happiness. The state of mind I'm in right now I can't even think if I ever have been really happy.

This is not to say I'm suicidal. I never have been and I doubt I ever will be.

What it means is that I have nothing motivating me. No one is depending on me and all I catch from my relatives right now is criticism. All I'm getting from all but one of my friends is dead air after numerous tries to strike up correspondence.

I got that same scared "I love you, Lauren," I got from my aunt last week from my mother tonight. Maybe they both saw how dead inside I am right now.

I'm running the same self derogatory circles in my head that I usually do. Except now there's nothing to counteract it. I'm not working on graduating from high school or college and every tiny thing that can go wrong for me is all at once.

This is the part of the entry where I'm supposed to decide where to go from here to change my outlook but I can't think beyond right now and the past five months of nothing. Doesn't that prove that I have no ambition, drive, dreams?

I'm going to sleep now and hopefully when I wake up I'll be out of this funk and I can force myself to care.

I got a letter on Saturday. I didn't get the banking job. It was a huge blow to my confidence but one of my aunts made the valid point that since I already had a BA (and it only required a high school diploma) that they figured I wouldn't stay very long and didn't want to bother training me.

...I'm still a bit peeved.

But! Hopefully I can still get my job at the preschool. XD Apparently Ellie and I suck at math because it wouldn't be 160 a week. More like 250. But still. The environment will be awesome. I just hope that they still want me.

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So I have all these ideas for blogs and stuff. I want to continue with my mythical creatures encyclopedia dealio. And then if I go to Japan I want to blog about my experiences as an ATL. I could always modify this one but I feel like itd be better to start fresh or something.

I dunno...

If any of you pray then pray that it'll all work out please. I'm going crazy here.

I woke up this morning to Neil pounding on my door.

Mom is throwing up, gagging, and being completely dramatic about how miserable she feels.

That may sound like I'm just being a bitch (which I also am) but I tire very much of the woman's theatrics. I had just gotten back to bed after washing the dishes and kitchen compulsively in the middle of the night (since I'm such an ungrateful lazy bitch and all) when I was summoned to get Neil ready to go to school.

HE couldn't tell me what needed to be done and Mum was making no effort to try to speak intelligibly because she was too busy trying to make everyone feel sorry for her with her disgusting gulping and stuff.

It just made me bitchier because I wanted to know what the fuck I was needed for so I could go back to bed. She does not have my sympathy when she had cake, five bottles of Mike's and a good quantity of vodka after whining and complaining that I didn't leave any of the pie that she yelled at me for buying while she was away.

I've been grinding my teeth so hard it hurts. Please God let it be sunny so I can take the bus into town and get the FUCK out of here.

These last couple of weeks haven't been... hectic but rather odd.

Busy in a subdued sort of way. I stayed at my father's for a week with no internet. Had a day at home before being dragged off to South Yarmouth and my grandmother's where there's no internet.

I'm typing this on wireless at my aunt's at the first opportunity.

This week I've been going to a writer's conference. I'll write more when I have more time on the net but I met with a woman named Jo Ann Ferguson who's my mentor now at this conference. She's mostly a romance novelist but she's published 85 different books in twenty years and she's now writing YA fantasy.

She gave me the name of a writer's agent and I gave her a copy of my comic book and a first chapter of something I'm working on to read. (Which I still owe to Ellie. Funny I'm less nervous about giving it to a professional.)

Anyway congrats to Ellie on her apartment!

I also may have a full time position with the Cape Cod Writer's Association. We'll see how i goes when I email my contact tonight.

I also also need to start a blog so I can build up a resume even as an unpublished writer. I should be back on the net tomorrow night. In the meantime I'll just keep writing.

Ugh.. My brain's gonna implode.

PS: This song I'm listening to makes me laugh. Love it.